Yesterday I had my first, and probably last, Cold Stone Creamery experience. For those of you who don't eagerly await the proliferation of chain restaurants in Manhattan, providing comfort and uniformity for all homesick suburban refugees, Cold Stone Creamery is like a DIY Ben & Jerry's. A primer: you choose an ice cream and some toppings -- like banana ice cream with chocolate sauce and graham cracker crust. They take your ice cream and toppings and mash it all up on a frozen stone (hence the name). There are a couple of Cold Stone Creameries in NYC -- one on the upper east side, one set to open today at Astor Place, and one in Times Square. I figured it would be an interesting experience to walk through Times Square and gawk at all the bulletproof vests and snipers guarding those defenseless Republican delegates for the convention.
I walked in and a disgustingly cheery worker beamed, "Welcome to Cold Stone Creamery! Have you been here before?! Well, just walk along the left wall to reach the end of the line! Here's a menu!" So I found my way to the back of one of two long lines, perusing a laminated menu suggesting I try mixes with cutesy names like "At The Cocoa Banana Cabana TM" and "Cookie Doughn't You Want Some TM."
As I tried to put together a topping ice cream combo that would be unique and so deliciously clever that the slinger would raise her eyebrows in surprise and congratulate me on my taste, I was jarred back into reality by what might be called singing coming from the worker's pen. Actually, it was more like half-hearted pitchless chanting disguised as a vaguely familiar, well-mangled melody. Okay, I didn't care what they were singing. But obviously they didn't either. Apparently, the poor kids have to sing for when they get tipped, and they're as enthusiastic as the organ-grinder's monkey.
So as I was waiting in line, some chick with the sad Cameron Diaz circa 2002 flipped-out hair (obviously a Republican delegate), tried to cut ahead of me and another girl in line. I said, "Uh, this is the back of the line. You think we're just going to sit back and let you walk all over us? You think just because we let you have your little convention in our town that you can appropriate 9/11 and exploit it for your own purposes? Get in the back of the line, buster, you're in our town now." Well, I said part of it and thought the rest of it anyway.
By the time I figured out what I wanted, I got up to the front of the line. "Sweet cream ice cream with strawberries and cake please." Sweet, simple, classy, right? So I watched as the girl scooped some ice cream with two very cold looking metal paddles onto the very cold looking stone. She added three syrupy strawberries and a little block of cake and mashed away. I had wanted more of an ice cream cake feel, with the cake maintaining its textural integrity, but I wanted to experience the Cold Stone Creamery way. I'm willing to be schooled by a restaurant chain. The softened ice cream mixture was then scooped into a little foam bowl and off I went to the cash register.
"What are you having?" surly New Yorker cashier asked me.
"Sweet cream ice cream with cake and strawberries." Doesn't that sound deliciously clever?
"$5.08."
WHAT?! $5.08 for a dinky serving of DIY Ben & Jerry's? I mean, this is NYC but come on! I can get a pint of Ben & Jerry's Primary Berry Graham in a Soho deli for $3.50! Surely they can't be charging that in the suburbs! Who are these people? They must be following the Starbucks business model of overcharging suckers for mediocre product.
So already, I was grumbling about having to pay $5.08 for ice cream. But the proof is in the pudding, right? I took my first bite. Okay, it wasn't totally mediocre. It was creamy and sweet and cold...but it was just ice cream. The cake was of course smashed into oblivion. The berries were about the same as McDonald's sundae strawberries. So what's the BFD? Perhaps if I had tried something a little more daring, one of their creations with a sexy name like "Breathless Boston Cream Pie TM" or "Nights in White Chocolate TM" then I would understand what the big fuss is all about. Give me a short swirl Rice Pudding flavor Tasti D Lite in a sugar cone over CSC anyday. Who needs the caloric and financial guilt?
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