For those of you who have just tuned in, this is part 3 of the dinner date guide, aka The Maxim-type Dude's Guide to Getting Laid By Convincing Girl To Come Over For Dinner Even Though Dude Can't Cook Worth Shit! We've already covered the basics, the Meat and Potatoes girl and the Vegetarian. Now we move on to higher levels of difficulty.
Contestant #3
The Girl: She's on the Atkins diet. She knows what the fuck "net carbs" means. Breads and pastas are her axis of evil, but she's tired of spreading butter on her bacon. You want to make sure she doesn't go back to looking like she did when you were in high school, you chauvinist pig, so you'd better get your Splenda on.
The Menu: Broiled lamb chops. Cauliflower puree. Haricot verts with lemon vinaigrette. Fresh figs and goat cheese.
This was a tough one. I mean, what are these people thinking? How could being thin possibly taste better than a big bowl of pasta alla amatriciana, slick with olive oil and san marzanos, or a stack of crisp-edged pancakes with a side of maple butter for dunking? I guess I'll never know. I tried to cut out all carbs once, but I became lupine and beady-eyed, stalking my way through the day with a deep insatiable hunger. I admire the Atkins-committed -- you are woven of stronger wool than I. But the question is, what are the key things to think about in making a simple meal without carbohydrates? Variety of texture and color are always important in a meal, but perhaps they play an even larger role when the cook is trying to hide the fact that something is missing.
The lamb chops: I prefer the tiny grass-fed lamb chops from New Zealand -- they are juicy, tender, and super-flavorful. I think a lot of American chops are grain-fed -- they tend to be streaky with fat and not as soft. Rub them with a little olive oil, salt and pepper. Put them close to the broiler for 2 minutes on each side. If you go out and get a grill pan, you can do them on top of the stove for the same amount of time and get those nice barbecue marks on your wee chops.
The cauliflower: Steam the cauliflower til quite tender. Heat up some cream and butter. Mash the cauliflower using a fork. Add the cream, butter, and 1/2 cup of freshly grated parmesan (and of course you understand that I am referring to block of cheese, not cardboard can or even labeled plastic tupperware).
The haricots verts: Haricots verts are just baby green beans. You can get them at any good upscale grocery store. In a pinch you can use adult green beans -- just look for the smallest ones you can find. Yes, I mean go through the pile by hand and pick out the good ones. Trim the stem ends. Boil them in a lot of rapidly boiling, salted water, for 3-4 min. or until they are tender and not crisp. (Again, I do not believe in crisp green beans. They should be green and brightly flavored, but they should be tender to the tooth.) Transfer into ice water to stop them from cooking further. Prepare a vinaigrette with the juice of half a lemon, 2 glugs of olive oil, sea salt, pepper, and a tsp. of dijon mustard. Add 1/2 tsp. of honey (she'll never know) and whisk. Toss with drained green beans and serve at room temperature.
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When I was working at Whole Foods in the produce department, all of the haricots verts and mini-pattypan squashes were coming out of Guatemala. I used to imagine miniature farms with Guatemalan hobbit pickers plucking all the tiny veggies from spindly vines. I also used to imagine that the little rotten cherry tomatoes were feeling ill and vomiting their juicy innards in protest. I imagined that the Granny Smiths were in some sort of fruity daisy chain, lined up protuberance to puckered asshole in their military rows. The fat, contentious grapefruit were elbowing each other for room in their crowded pen, occasionally fussing so much that they had to take their disputes to the ground, where they could roll around in fisticuffs. When you silently stack fruits and vegetables for eight hours a day, you have a lot of time to think about really random shit.
Next up, the epicure.
i ADORE your imaginations!