'inoteca -- Worst. Experience. EVER.

REPORT: 'INOTECA

TEAM EAT DRINK ONE WOMAN:
GANDA, eater, lover
DONNA, private events manager at a renowned Chicago restaurant
JUSTIN, Donna's brother, cook and student at the Culinary Institute of America
JACKIE, Justin's girlfriend, also a cook and student at the Culinary Institute of America

TEAM 'INOTECA:
HOSTESS
WAITER
SOMMELIER
MANAGER

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: Have a friendly, relaxing meal on Friday night.

7:00 p.m.  TEAM EDOW arrives at 'inoteca.  HOSTESS tells us kindly that we may wait at the bar, our table will be ready shortly.  We drink in the atmosphere -- large, bustling room, festive LES crowd, dark wood, delicious looking bowl of olives and exciting looking cheese spread in the glass enclosed work area.  'inoteca has received raves from several of TEAM EDOW's friends. 
MOOD: excited anticipation.  DEFCON 5

7:10 p.m.  HOSTESS leads us downstairs to basement dining area.  Walls are lined with beautiful bottles of wine and champagne.  Room is filled with spacious, weathered wood tables.  TEAM EDOW sits down at a six-seater set for four.  WAITER brings us extensive, detailed menu.  TEAM EDOW must mind meld to figure out what to order. 
MOOD: fascination.  DEFCON 5

7:25 p.m.  Glasses of water all around.  SOMMELIER is consulted for wine choice.  After careful deliberation and consideration, TEAM EDOW orders:
1 bottle of red wine, 3 glasses (GANDA does not consume the red wine)
1 warm brussels sprouts with pancetta appetizer
1 beets, mint, oranges, hazelnuts salad appetizer
1 truffle egg toast, plain
1 truffle egg toast w/bottarga
1 polpette plate
1 gamberetti wrapped in bacon plate
1 assorted affetati plate (charcuterie)
1 assorted cheese plate, 7 types
MOOD: Hungry and happy.  DEFCON 5

7:35 p.m.  Red wine is poured for DONNA, JUSTIN, JACKIE.  Warm brussels sprouts, beet salad, and cheese plate arrive with plenty of thinly sliced soft bread.  TEAM EDOW digs in.  Appetizers very enjoyable.  GANDA especially enjoys the sugar sweet beet salad, toasted hazelnuts are a nice touch.  TEAM EDOW a little perplexed that the cheese comes out so soon, but TEAM EDOW are hungry and happy to have stuff to eat.  While explaining what cheeses he has chosen for us, WAITER knocks over JUSTIN's just-poured glass of wine, red liquid spilling in GANDA's direction.  GANDA hands over her napkin.  WAITER cleans up the spill on the table and brings one extra napkin for JUSTIN.  GANDA takes new napkin to mop up wine spots on her arm.  GANDA must ask WAITER for another napkin.  WAITER does not offer another glass of wine, nor does he refill JUSTIN's wine glass.  JUSTIN refills his wine glass himself.  Appetizers are finished.  TEAM EDOW stares at empty, dirty plates and waits.  And waits.  And waits.  And orders another bottle of red wine.
MOOD: Perplexed, but trying to stay light.  DEFCON 4

8:05 p.m.  WAITER apologizes for delay, trying to crack jokes.  WAITER says, "Good thing I'm an entertainer.  And good thing my table's half drunk."  GANDA says, "Actually, we are three quarters drunk," pointing to the other three people at the table.  WAITER says, "Yeah, I better go up to the kitchen and tell them there's one person at the table who's paying attention."  TEAM EDOW laughs at his jokes, but not as enthusiastically as they did earlier.  TEAM EDOW requests new plates and silverware in order to not have to look at the dirty, empty plates any longer.
MOOD: Somewhat uncomfortable.  DEFCON 4

8:30 p.m.  DONNA notices that though the party at the table next to TEAM EDOW were seated after we were, they have just gotten their second round of courses. We ordered almost an hour ago.  WAITER notices the same thing, then rushes to the kitchen to find out what's going on.  WAITER rushes back to the table to apologize, explaining, "What happened was, we sent the kitchen your ticket through the computer, but the ticket printer ran out of paper, so your order didn't print up for them.  I'm really sorry, but they're going to do your order next, and I told them to rush it."  JUSTIN and JACKIE, kitchen vets, generously tell WAITER that they understand, though they also explain to DONNA and GANDA, "In our kitchens, when one printer runs out of paper, the order just comes out of the next printer." 
MOOD: Annoyed, but still attempting to have a good time.  DEFCON 3

8:45 p.m.  Surprisingly quickly, the remaining plates come out.  Famed truffle egg toasts have too much bread and not enough egg; melted fontina on top is rubbery, with barely enough truffle oil to tease.  While trying to saw his way through the bottarga truffle egg toast, JUSTIN causes half of it to go flying onto the floor.  Assorted affetati (speck, bresaola, mortadella, salami) are pedestrian, not as good as what you might get at the Dean and Deluca counter or DiPalo's.  Gamberetti are overcooked.  Polpette are blanketed in some orange marmalade sauce. 
MOOD: Somewhat mollified that food has finally come out, but still wondering why no one has tried to make TEAM EDOW feel better about the major front-of-house faux pas.  DEFCON 3

8:55 p.m. WAITER comes by with a check in a glass to a thoroughly confused TEAM EDOW.  He says, "Here's the check, as I'm sure you know we have someone waiting for this table."  TEAM EDOW says, "What?  Huh?  What are you talking about?"  WAITER says, "Nobody told you?  Nevermind, nevermind," and quickly slips away.  TEAM EDOW looks at their 1/3 finished plates and wonders what just happened.
MOOD: Confused.  Not thinking about food anymore.  Really wondering whether wait staff is drinking on the job.  DEFCON 2

8:56 p.m.  MANAGER comes and squats next to table.  MANAGER makes very stern speech: "Look, I know that you were told that you had to leave because we have a 9:00 reservation for this table.  That's the way we do things around here.  We always do things a certain way.  You were definitely told that you had to leave."  MANAGER, JUSTIN, DONNA and GANDA try to talk all at once.  JUSTIN says, "Look, I know you were slammed, the kitchen was slammed, I know how it is.  But we didn't get our food for an hour."  MANAGER retorts, "No, I have it in computer time, it was 25 minutes."  DONNA says, "That's great that the computer says we got our food in 25 minutes, but our ticket apparently didn't even print up in the kitchen, so you don't know what time we got our food!"  GANDA says, "Look, if we were told that we had to leave by a certain time, believe me, I would be the first person to admit to that.  But bring the hostess who seated us down here and she will not be able to tell you that she told us we had to leave by 9:00."  MANAGER still belligerent, insists that we were told, but says pissily, "Fine, please just sit here as long as you want.  Just enjoy the meal and take your time, take as long as you want."  MANAGER walks away.  Over the course of the argument, the 3/4 plate of polpette congeals and hardens.  Remaining gamberetto loses all vital signs.  Affetati are still cold, but the little moisture they began with has dissipated completely.
MOOD: Hopping mad.  Livid.  Nuclear.  DEFCON 1

9:10 p.m.  DONNA looks at GANDA, and asks, "I really feel like I should say something."  GANDA, who is usually mortified at the thought of returning unsatisfactory dishes to the kitchen, preferring instead to eat the cost and chalk it up to experience, gives the green light to DONNA to give the MANAGER a piece of her mind.  DONNA rips MANAGER a new asshole.  "You know, we were very generous customers.  The waiter spilled wine, didn't refill the glass, and we said nothing.  Our food didn't come for an hour while the people behind us got their food.  Our waiter made excuses at first, and then told us the ticket didn't print up.  Then we get our food and not ten minutes later, we are asked to LEAVE?!  This is completely unacceptable!"  MANAGER, playing role of customer service person, but vein pulsing in his forehead, says, "Okay, it was my mistake, I'm sorry, please just enjoy your dinner and sit and relax for as long as you want to."  DONNA tells him, "Look, I'm in the business too.  If it's YOUR mistake, then WE the customers should not know about it!  We should be blissed out, enjoying our meal.  Instead, you've ruined our meal, we are in a royally bad mood, our food's gone completely cold, how can we relax and have a good time?"  MANAGER says through tight lips, "The dinner's on me, just stay as long as you want to."  DONNA says, "We're going to finish up and leave, because there's no way for us to have a good time at this point, and it's better for you to have one unsatisfied party than two unsatisfied parties, us and the people waiting for the table."
MOOD:  Extreme indigestion. Marmalade meatball and Fontina glue stressfully churning around in stomach.  DEFCON 1

9:20 p.m.  TEAM EDOW drinks the last of the wine and leaves, giving a too generous tip to the WAITER who did try to entertain us and cover for his boss.  TEAM EDOW, shell-shocked, heads over to Sugar Sweet Sunshine for cupcakes and tea.
MOOD:  Glad to have left the restaurant; at least the meal was comped.  Eager to warn of 'inoteca's wrongdoing to all listening ears.  Mmm...red velvet cupcake....DEFCON 3

SUPPORTING EVIDENCE:

From Menupages.com user reviews:
Posted by  Anonymous on 01/23/2005
             Not a good experience
Maybe mine just happened to be a one-time bad experience but I'm not planning on going back there. The food was waaaay too salty and the waitress took it upon herself to charge an additional tip on my friend's credit card when she was already personally given the tip in cash. She offered no apology when my friend called to rectify the situation. What the heck is that? 

Posted by  girldesigner on 01/04/2005
             Good Food vs Bad Ambience
I am a huge fan of trattoria style food, and I could not wait for the Ino guys to open this outpost in my neighborhood (the LES) last year. Sadly, both times I've been to Inoteca, I've been underwhelmed (I even went twice because I wanted it to be great). Perhaps it started with the looooong noisy wait at the bar? Once seated, service vacillated between cutesy/flirtatious and pushy. My companions and I ordered lots of dishes---the notable egg toast included, but left hungry and feeling sort of ripped off...both times. 

Posted by  tasty on 12/28/2004
             Attitude does not match menu
If we were only talking about the food, I'd give 5 stars to the kitchen, not to mention the polite chef we happened to pass on the way out the door... cheeses, flavor, all there. As for service, don't go for service. The server could've been honest & said he forgot a few plates on the order, but rather just had us waiting 20 minutes and blamed the kitchen, so some of our party received dinner when everyone else was done, and he couldn't have been in more of a rush to get us started, and obviously finished. I think the server gets his manners from the guy who mans the dining room, not too friendly to put it nicely. Still overall, no reason to let a few Bad apples totally ruin your experience, they're design and menu crush both the negatives...                                                             

CONCLUSION: Worst.  Experience.  Ever.  Never.  Returning.  Die die die 'inoteca!  MISSION THWARTED!