After a successful trip to Century 21 in Brooklyn for bed linens yesterday, I needed a ladies' lunch to sate the hunger I'd worked up after some hard shopping. Since there is no Ritz-Carlton down in Bay Ridge, I settled on Pho Hoai, a little Vietnamese restaurant at the corner of 86th St. and 4th Ave., right by the R train station.

DECOR: Are all Vietnamese restaurants in the city decorated by the same person? Why do they all have the fake bamboo tiki counter with the Christmas lights? Well, whatever, it was clean and well lit enough for me to read my book.

SERVICE: I went to the ladies' room only to find that the industrial sized dispenser was out of T.P. I saw no TP rolls anywhere. I went to the guy at the counter.

ME: Hi, um, there's no more toilet paper in the ladies' room.
COUNTER GUY: (stares back blankly)
ME: Um, so, um, is there...any...toilet paper?
COUNTER GUY: (stares back blankly) Okay.

There was really no way for me to know whether or not my message made it through to central command. So I held it. Sorry, kidneys.

FOOD: The pho with beef balls was serviceable, though the broth was not as rich and marrow laced as others I've tasted. The beef balls were of the chewy tendon-filled ilk, which I don't really mind but I don't particularly like. As always, I burned my tongue on the hot spring rolls, which were so crunchy they scraped all the flesh from the roof of my mouth. I'm still healing. And I'm laying off the Listerine for a while. But with the complimentary pot of hot tea and a nice four-top all to myself, I can't complain. Hey, it's better than the McDonald's down the street.

Grade: B
Total with tax and tip: $11
Will I return? Maybe, if I need to shop in Bay Ridge again. Towels at the home store are hella cheap and will make good presents. And someday, they're going to have some Marc Jacobs flats in 39 1/2, and when they do, I'll be full of pho and ready to pounce.

Pho Hoai Bay Ridge Restaurant
(718) 745-1640
Cuisine: Vietnamese
8616 4th Ave/86th St.
Bay Ridge
R train to Bay Ridge