Some of us are back in our hometowns, unwrapping gifts, sipping eggnog by a crackling fireplace, quibbling lovingly with family members, escaping the house at night to get drunk with high school buddies, brining turkeys and baking Christmas cookies as Josh Groban's dickless lilt puts Grandma to sleep, fa la la la la and a bottle of rum.
And some of us are battling the stomach flu alone in Sunset Park, drinking watered down ginger ale, trying to keep bowls of thin rice congee down, crying our eyes out watching our Netflixed Love Actually* on repeat, and flipping channels in a vain attempt to get away from that relentless, toothy holiday pox Rachael Ray as she shills crackers/donuts/stoups.
So since some of us are totally in the holiday spirit this year, we thought we'd put together a list of the top five loneliest places to eat in NYC. We've excluded the ramen bars and pizza joints -- those places were designed for singletons just like you, so you always feel as if you're dining in solidarity.
No, no, the following places make you feel worse than you did when you walked in. They serve to remind you, with every practical bite, that you have no one to go home and have dinner with. That in your life, dinner is not a social event, but a functional refueling. If you find yourself in any of these places, take a look around you. You could:
A.) find another loser like yourself and no longer be lonely, or
B.) join me for dinner and give me grief for putting the blog on hold.
And don't be too hard on yourself -- top ramen over the sink in your underwear is still worse. So is straight up alcoholism.
The Top Five Loneliest Places to Eat in NYC
In descending order:
5. Any Taco Bell, but especially a Taco Bell Express. The seats bolted to the floor, the harsh overheads, the dubious, dubious meat, the sweaty, runny beans, the browning lettuce -- what did you do to make you hate yourself this much?
4. Katz's. You're drunk and you want to eat something before you get on the train so you don't ralph in the tunnel between Manhattan and Brooklyn. But you get your pastrami sandwich, ask for fries, and the guy yells at you to go to the other station. And you sit down at the service only tables and get yelled at by the waiter to move to one of the gazillion other empty tables. And then (because you're drunk), you lose your ticket and you get yelled at by the burly bouncer type at the door who demands an extortive fine. All of which serve to remind you that you are alone, you are pathetic, and you'll never be a REAL New Yorker.
3. Anywhere that serves any kind of tube meat or has "dogs" in the name. Seriously, think about what you look like.
2. Woorijip. You are a lonely fuck if you are eating steam table rice cakes with disposable chopsticks from a foam tray at Woorijip. And if you have forgotten what a sad, lonely fuck you are, just look at the sad, lonely fucks around you, looking minty green under the harsh fluorescents, sitting on their low stools along the bar in the front of the dining room, yelling about their therapy sessions into their cell phones as they stuff their traps with cold, tacky jap chae.
1. The subway. Nasty. What, you're too hungry to wait the 30 minutes it's gonna take you to get home? Or you want to make sure you eat a little something before you start drinking tonight? Those platforms are depositories for all manner of bodily fluids and excretions. Which, of course, you know and generally block out for sanity's sake. But while you're eating? You know better. And if you forget, the smells are easy reminders that drunkards know no discrimination when it comes to finding a place to take a piss (or toss their cookies). The subway car seems marginally better than the platform, but that seat was probably just vacated by a homeless guy who finished jerking off the stop before you got on. And for god's sake, put a glove on before you touch that pole.
Bonus: The other day I was in Shanghai Mong trying their ja jang myun/ramen combo. There's this little circular room where a little lip of a bar juts out from the wall, and about ten single diners can enjoy their meals with their backs to the center of the circle. The great thing is that at about every other seat, there's a mirror at face height that says, "You Are a Princess". I like to imagine all of these gruff Korean businessmen going in for a sweat-inducing bowl of spicy seafood noodle soup and having to stare back at their own visages framed in these curlicued "You Are a Princess" mirrors. Ha ha ha...ha...ahem...this is how I get my kicks these days.
*Is there a better Xmas rom-com? I don't think so. What a dehydrator.
Do they allow corkage at Taco Bell Express?
They ought to. But what would you pair a 7-layer burrito or Chilito with?
I fucking love you. Have I said that recently?
I fucking love you too, Janet.
i totally disagree with you on katzs- ive been eating there alone for thirteen years- mostly i think it grosses other people out- and it always makes me feel better- particularly in the morning- love it
In the morning? What do you eat there in the morning?
I really like the jajang myun at LiHua, which is on Grand Street at Baxter street, and also has some incredible tofu dishes.
I grew up in Flushing, which has some amazing korean restaurants worthy of the trek. but LiHua is definitely a gem.
You're right: There is something uniquely suicide-inducing about Woorijip. I dunno why I eat there so much.
This post rules my world.
usually pastrami or salami and eggs- occasionally a sandwich- depends on the weather
Eating alone at Woorijip is not that bad, is it? Oh darn.
OMG - Love Actually?? I love that movie, especially when I need a good cry! Great post.